Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize