So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We got so high we made milksteak
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Randomize
