it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
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he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
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He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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