Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
