I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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