I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
