so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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