Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
