wrigley field is MILF paradise
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dear god my vagina.
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