if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Even my vagina gasped.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
