We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
