Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
