smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
