Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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