we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
