I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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