Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
