i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i've created a new STD.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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