tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Randomize
