Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Drake has all the answers
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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