I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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