Swine flu is the new snow day.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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