It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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