Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
