I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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