Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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