Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
