And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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