Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
