where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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