u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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