I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
