I wish I could teleport
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Randomize
