I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
