We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
