he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You are a genius and a whore.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
