i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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