Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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