She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
