Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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