shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
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she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
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It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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