all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
