oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
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she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
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Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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