I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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