you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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