True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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