Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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