You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
