She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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