so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
They should really pass out barf bags in church
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
