So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
