If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize