having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
