i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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