Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
